after spending an entire weekend,
isolated on an island in the middle of a lake,
with people I’m trying desperately to impress,

I’ve realized how ugly of a human being I am.

my generation has grown up to analyze each other
because someone in the past knew that we wouldn’t be able to afford shrinks
not with our student loans
and our drug habits
so they taught us to perceive and decipher
and how to say things like:

“No, his issues with women stem from his inability to express himself to those he cares about.”
or
“She’s not really that unapproachable, she just has trouble letting her guard down because she was bullied when she was younger.”

so now we get our medication straight from the walk in clinic
because we know exactly what’s wrong
and what to say.

I kept watching and waiting
and searching
and even though I thought I had gotten rid of it all
I kept finding more
leaving myself continuously frightened
and angry
until it confronted me
and like that van hitting the back of the car
it struck me
shook me
and told me not to fear it.

welp,
here goes nothing.

I had a stranger tell me today that she was jealous of my degree
and that she felt I must have learned so much more than what one would
with a business degree
or a science degree

sure,
I have a vault of useless information in my head
that would only be of use in half an episode of Jeopardy
but this shit can’t pay the bills.

As Thomas would say, “I need to lint roll my whole life.”

After an interesting encounter of the recollective kind, I realized how badly I wished I could forget everything up to this point. Save for a few amusing incidents, the majority of the time I spent ‘becoming me’ is a horror show. I can’t even look back and laugh at how ridiculous half the shit I did was, because it just makes my stomach turn.

But one day, when I’m rich and famous ..

negativity adds up
somehow
like buying your lunch
voiding wallets, bowels, and minds

hopefully I’ll break even this week.

sitting on my overdue credit card bills
cleaning its maw
leaning on it’s hind legs

to live comfortably
like this ladybug will for the next forty eight hours
on my desk
under a bouquet of dahlias
I will.